The Last Survey

To download mobile version (.mobi), click here.

To download ebook version (.pub), click here.

“Are you God?”

“No.”

“Then who are you?”

“Who I am is not important. Besides, my time with you is short. And we have much to talk about.”

“Am I dead?”

“Mostly, yes.”

“Mostly?”

“You are in transition.”

“What does that mean?”

“When a human dies, there is a period when the body is, what you would call, dead, yet the spirit remains conscious. Shortly, the spirit will be transported to a different realm. Or so I’m told. But this is when I get to talk to you. So tell me, did you enjoy being human?”

“I guess so. But can I ask some questions?”

“Let’s save them for the end if you don’t mind. You were telling me about your human experience.”

“Oh, okay. Well, there is so much to it. Periods of joy and happiness and friendship. Periods of hurt and pain and loneliness and fear. You spend a lot of time being confused. You wonder. There’s love and loss and anger and laughs. How can I possibly tell you everything?”

“You can’t. Let’s go back to my first question. Did you enjoy it?”

“Yes, I think I did.”

“If you could do it again, would you?”

“I don’t know. When I was a child, life seemed so full of awe. And yes, I would do that part again. As I got into my teens, I longed to be older, and I was confused, and other kids were so mean. I didn’t like that part. Then in college, life was incredible. Little responsibility. Lots of fun. The feeling of being invincible. That part was fantastic. Then I started working and raising a family. That was hectic, but full of new experiences. I liked that. Then I got to a point where I was starting to age. I had knowledge, but I was beginning to get tired. I was depressed. That part was difficult. Then I aged more, and I became bored. I longed for new experiences. The joy and wonder were absent. I didn’t like that. Then I got very old and was in much pain. I wouldn’t do that again.”

“But overall, in its entirety, would you do it again?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Very good. What did you like the most?”

“The most? Hmmm…driving a car. Baseball. Donuts. Friends. Mountains. Pizza. Seeing your kids smiling. Coffee. Hugs from my wife. Bacon. Sex was pretty good. Grandkids. A comfy shirt. Sunny days. A snowy Christmas Eve. Friday nights. Dogs. Lakes surrounded by pine trees. And beer. I really liked beer.”

“Excellent. And what didn’t you like? Would you change anything about the human experience?”

“Let me think…I wish people would be nicer to one another. More considerate. Why do some people have to drive slow in the left lane or talk on the cell phone while in line at the coffee shop? Anyway, I never liked getting sick. I think we all work too much. We care too much about money and material things. Traffic sucked. I disliked the New York Yankees. And mosquitos. And when you’d get something stuck in your teeth and couldn’t get it out. And mushrooms. How can people eat fungus?”

“Good question. As a whole, though, would you recommend being human to someone else?”

“That’s a funny question. But, yeah. I think so. It teaches you a lot. Good and bad. It was a journey, that’s for sure.”

“What about your physical form?”

“Physical form?”

“Your body. Did you find your body to be an adequate vessel to navigate life?”

“Ummm…yeah. I think so. I would have liked to have been taller. And my feet were too wide to fit into most shoes. And my eyes didn’t work so good, but now they have a procedure where they fix your vision. That helped. I got this thing called reflux every time I ate something with tomatoes in it. I could have done without that. And it seems like we get all kinds of cancers now. That’s no good either.”

“Very good. This is all good information. Now, on a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate the human form. Consider it against other forms found on your planet.”

“Ummm…an 8, I guess.”

“Any modifications you would find useful?”

“Modifications?”

“Yes, if you could construct a human body in a different way, is there anything you’d like? Say, a turtle shell on your back, for instance.”

“Oh. Well, I never really gave it much thought. But maybe some wings would come in handy. My mom used to claim she had eyes in the back of her head. That would be nice. There’s a lot of times I could have used a third arm.”

“Would you have preferred to have lived as a different creature? For example, many people claim they wish they could go through life as, say, an eagle or a dolphin.”

“I don’t know…that probably sounds good, but I liked having opposable thumbs and being at the top of the food chain. Although it would be nice not to have to wear pants. And I wonder if those animals go through life with a lot less stress and worry than me.”

“Oh, trust me. Those animals have their own unique anxieties. Just different than what you experience. After all, it’s not like dolphins can pop in to a convenience store when they’re hungry.”

“I see…so why are you asking all these questions?”

“I suppose I can tell you now. Many years ago, our civilization began an experiment. We planted the seeds of life on a new planet – your planet. Earth, as you call it. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Then we watched. We nurtured the planet with elements for life. We watched life evolve. It was all fascinating. Then, at the end of each life, we conduct a survey. We find out what every being liked and disliked. Then we occasionally make alterations based on that information.”

“Alterations?”

“Yes. Changes. For example, it turned out the dinosaurs weren’t particularly excited about the prospects of being dinosaurs. Short arms. Angry disposition. Tiny brains. Bad breath. And the other creatures were equally disappointed with them, particularly the breath part. So we edited them out.”

“Any chance you’re going to edit humans?”

“That’s an interesting question. For many years, the human was one of our prized creatures. We were thoroughly pleased with how it evolved. Unlike anything we’d seen. The brain function evolved more rapidly than we thought it would. And technologically speaking, it’s still a wondrous work in progress. There is much more potential. So currently, I’m not anticipating any adjustments in the near future, but we are now more closely monitoring the species. As you know, conflict is a part of any society, but the increased population and the inclination toward this conflict is producing a volatile environment. We’ll be keeping an eye on it.” 

“So this is all some kind of experiment for your enjoyment?”

“No. Not simply for our enjoyment. We are acquiring critical learnings. Across the galaxy, there are millions of planets where we run similar experiments. Every planet evolves differently. Even if you do everything exactly the same, it doesn’t turn out exactly the same. How can that be? Isn’t that intriguing? Sometimes, we take a creature from one planet and introduce it to another to see what will happen. Will it thrive? Will it upset the ecosystem? Can it adapt? Will it become prey or predator? It’s all an amazing study. That’s why we can’t wait to see more! And perhaps one day, we may have the ability to completely control the evolution. We can construct planets the way we wish.”

“To what end?”

“You shouldn’t concern yourself with that.”

“Not concern myself with that? That sounds like some sort of egotistical, power grab…like you’re playing creator or farming planets to do your will!”

“No, no, no. You misunderstood. We have acquired so much information. And we are simply looking to use that information to help the cause of peace and prosperity. If we have the ability to achieve that with an evolutionary nudge here or there, isn’t it our duty to do so?”

“Maybe. But then what was the meaning of all of it? Of life? What was the point?”

“The meaning was up to you. You, yourself, said you learned much. You loved. You experienced pain. It was a journey. That was the meaning. I’m sorry to say, if you were seeking something greater, you probably will not find it. Nor would anyone.”

“So, is there a God?”

“Even I do not know that. True, we may have placed life on your Earth, but that life originated somewhere else. From a God, perhaps. Did a God create my life? Did this God also create the galaxy? What is beyond the galaxy? And who created God? If you think about it, you may be our experiment, but for all I know, I could be someone else’s experiment. Maybe even God’s experiment.”

“I have to be honest. This wasn’t the conversation I was expecting today.”

“It never is, my friend. Now, I hate to be abrupt, but our time is waning, and I have a few billion more of these to conduct before lunch. And aardvarks, platypuses and those red-butted baboons typically have much to complain about, as you might imagine. So I wish you the best in what comes next.”

“What does come next?”

“I do not know. But the drinks and hors d’oeuvres must be very good, because no one has ever returned complaining.”

“That’s good to know, I guess.”

“Adieu.”

POST SURVEY NOTES AND OBSERVATIONS:

Planet:             965372 (Earth)

Respondent:  78HB-4998213-67

Species:          Human Being

Displayed typical human traits. Intellect in the sub- to mid-range for species. Emotional abilities are within the standard range. No significant deviations.

NOTE: Reasoning and logic abilities continue to evolve. Suspicion and questioning gene triggered even in a mid-intelligence level subject. 

ACTION: For future success, the elimination of this characteristic is recommended.  

The Last Survey

A Short Story by Tom Witkowski

Photo Credit: Karolina Grabowska

Share